What the hell are you looking at?
Yeah, you. What the fuck you looking at? I’ll bet you don’t even know. Well, lemme give you a clue. This is just another fucking Unavoidable Disaster. Every goddamn month. Count on it.
While you’re sitting on your ass, sucking up oxygen and this publication that we’ve slaved to put together, others — better men than you soldier — have poured their heart and soul into this. So what’s your unique and creative excuse for being such a slacker?
It takes a village to create a muddled, disorganized, profane, sketchy mess such as this, and it’s time for you to step up.
We need your napkin drawings, rusty nails, grass-fed beef, three-legged dogs, iced tea, and other things that make you feel good about yourself. We need your ideas for new songs. We need your witty one-liners. We want to see your artistic masterpieces, dumbass over-circulated memes making fun of Ted Cruz, your vulnerable diary entries from when you were 16, and other things that make you feel good about yourself. We want to hear your beautiful voice.
Also this thing costs money, and so we need you to, right now, write us a check for a million dollars. It is the least you can do.
How Do I Use This Thing?
(1) First, try mousing over this image. Sometimes we do that. Mostly just to fuck with you. Seen the pigeon?
(4) Check out comments left by other folks, or leave your own. We totally want to hear what important, highly-intelligent things you have to say. We’re holding our breath here.
(7) Way the fuck up there at the top of the page, you’ll see a thing that says submit. We need your submission for the next issue. Go click that.
(2) Now try clicking on this thing. Most user submissions are clickable.
(6) The little border of hearts means this thing has received the most likes in this issue. Occasionally, we put other sparkly shit like this for all sorts of reasons.
(3) When you click, you get more about the thing: description, links, author, comment, likes, and even sometimes audio and video. For example, every issue has a specially-selected soundtrack — except, oh shit, I forgot one for this issue. Be right back.
(5) See the like button? For every “like” received, we send one dollar to a charity working to have Sean Hannity’s nuts cut off.
Whew, I remembered this month’s soundtrack at the last minute.