Yeah, you. What the fuck you looking at? I’ll bet you don’t even know. Well, lemme give you a clue. This is just another fucking Unavoidable Disaster. Every goddamn month. Count on it.

While you’re sitting on your ass, sucking up oxygen and this publication that we’ve slaved to put together, others — better men than you soldier — have poured their heart and soul into this. So what’s your unique and creative excuse for being such a slacker?

It takes a village to create a muddled, disorganized, profane, sketchy mess such as this, and it’s time for you to step up.

We need your napkin drawings, rusty nails, grass-fed beef, three-legged dogs, iced tea, and other things that make you feel good about yourself. We need your ideas for new songs. We need your witty one-liners. We want to see your artistic masterpieces, dumbass over-circulated memes making fun of Ted Cruz, your vulnerable diary entries from when you were 16, and other things that make you feel good about yourself. We want to hear your beautiful voice.

Also this thing costs money, and so we need you to, right now, write us a check for a million dollars. It is the least you can do.